I mentioned in my last post that there was a second part to my story of being happy with the two children I was originally blessed with when I found out that I was pregnant with child number three. Here is my tale and I believe there are many who understand the various stages I’ve been through on the journey.

Like many others, I made it my mission not to have children when I was a young adult. I felt strongly that college and a career were important to becoming the person I wanted to be (yeah, look at me now) and I did not want a baby to de-rail my plans. Birth control was high on my priority list and I took the Pill for about a decade.

By the time I was 25 I met the guy who would become my husband 2 years later and continued taking the Pill. My husband and I anticipated that we would enjoy married life for a few years then follow the yellow brick road to adding children to our mix. Nearly everyone we surrounded ourselves with were on similar plans and soon enough we transitioned from bridal showers and weddings to baby showers and non-stop discussions of all things baby.

I will spare the details of all the steps in between but it seemed my body was not committed to the same family planning that my husband and I were committed to which ultimately led us to the path of infertility treatments. I am always fairly open about what I went through because it’s a rather lonely, embarrassing and costly experience-I wish I had known more people to help me through the process back then but it seemed that everyone I knew was turning up pregnant, the old fashioned way, every time I blinked. The idea of being pregnant became my holy grail. I looked at pregnant women and was actually jealous of them, I felt like a reject and I was trying my best to be happy for all my other friends who kept multiplying while I could not.

I was fortunate enough to get pregnant on my first round of in vitro and that both embryos implanted successfully took and there I was, pregnant at last! I had an easy pregnancy, no morning sickness, an uncomplicated C-section, no post partum depression and a healthy pair of boy and girl twins-life was good! Hectic but good. I felt that I was rewarded for my long wait and it was all I could do to keep to the strict schedule of getting two infants on a reasonable eating and sleeping schedule but I did it. Birth control did not seem like something I needed to bother with, given the effort it took to get pregnant. Yes, I know, stupid me.

So imagine my surprise when I found out that I was pregnant, three and a half years after I had the twins. To say that I was devastated does not fully cover my reaction. Apparently it really does happen as the textbooks say. I could not imagine starting over with a newborn. I was fulfilled in my life with the family of 4 that we were, we built a home based on two kids, my man-to-man coverage would be compromised, diapers, bottles, more diapers, so much to do over, I had endless anxieties of the ways in which I was not prepared to take on another person. I did not sleep for 6 weeks after I learned that I was preggers because my head was swimming with these and many other thoughts. It was hard to believe that I could have felt so unprepared for a baby, as if I was actually 16 years old instead of 35 (which is “Advanced Maternal Age” in this country!).

The day I embraced the idea of a third child was the day I gave birth, as soon as I laid eyes on my beautiful, precious daughter. We called her the game changer for a long time, and she truly was, mostly in the best way possible (mostly…there are days I want to review the return policy). In a community where so many families have 3 kids we don’t seem so different but in my own mind three kids is a ton of them. As an only child myself, 3 children and the noise they produce is a lot.

Over the past four-plus years since I went through this, I’ve had several people come to me when they’ve found themselves in the same boat-how is it that the thing we wanted most in this world not many years beforehand suddenly seems like the worst practical joke ever? For those who believe in God, is this God’s attempt at a sense of humor? I know I’m lucky to live in a country where I had a choice about whether to keep my baby, I’m lucky that we are financially stable enough to have kept our baby and I’m lucky to have a strong nuclear family for support but it did not feel like anything that resembled luck at the moment I heard that I was pregnant.

I have told the people who have confided in me about their own surprise pregnancies that I can talk them into or out of whatever decision they want to make and with zero judgment either way. I chose what I chose to do because it made sense for me and for our family but everyone deserves to do what is best for her own circumstances and she shouldn’t have to answer to anyone for it. Bringing life into this world is a responsibility like no other and it shouldn’t be a decision made hastily. When I delivered my surprise third child I had my tubes tied to avert future surprises, by the way.

I am mostly out of the stage of attending baby showers and have moved on to attending divorce parties, remarriages and bar mitzvahs but I am now removed enough from the baby stage that I can look at someone’s baby and think the baby is cute-this is progress! By the time I am a grandmother (and please let that be in at least 20 or so years) I will likely even crave being around babies. There’s an expression that we make plans and God laughs-well, hope I made his day.

The Real D