I began having existential thoughts as early as 5 or 6 years old. I remember the first thought of existentialism I ever had  happened when I was at a Chinese restaurant on a road trip when I was a kid-I wondered if I was part of someone’s dream or if my life was actually happening at all? And if my life was happening, what was the point? It was a deep thought for someone as young as I was and I can honestly say that I have as few answers today at 40 years old as I did back then.

Recently I have spent time thinking about my reluctance to be more embracing of religion and religious-based programs (in spite of, or perhaps because of, the fact that my children attend a religious-based day school) and I have discovered that my definition of “religion” equates to rules, rites and restrictions which makes me want to rebel, resist and run. I consider myself a critical thinker, as in I overthink things, which often leads me to being critical (of myself and others) and I have decided to try to add more positivity into my life by acknowledging meaning along the way. The reason I have connected religion with thoughts of meaning is that it seems many people I know find meaning within religion while I have been less inclined to feel that way.

People often throw around the word “purpose”, as in their life’s purpose which is not something I think I can pinpoint what exactly mine is yet (if ever) but I am actively taking note on a daily basis what meaning I find from others and the meaning that I hope to be adding to others. I looked up the word “meaning” to make sure that I was correctly identifying my thoughts and while there are multiple ways to look at the word, both noun and adjective, I decided that that is exactly what I am seeking and hopefully creating-significance.

When I think about what my life signifies, it’s a grand sum of parts: my husband, the family we have created, the family from which we came, our friends, our various communities, as well as the experiences I have had. Each component of my life has brought meaning, a mixed bag of good, bad and ugly, but all the same it makes me who I am. In adding more positivity to my life I have spent more time identifying what actions or inactions and people help me feel good and significant. Isn’t that one of the key points of a life well-lived? In a world where negativity is thrust upon us in a million subtle and not so subtle ways, shouldn’t it be our mission to love this moment in time? There’s so much talk about parents wanting to build memories with their kids or for relationships to be strong and meaningful but those are the words-what are the actions to complete the tasks?

I find that my kids enjoy a random 20 minute round of horsing around in the living room with me (we compete for who has the best splits, dance to lots of Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, do push ups and other stuff to help me pretend I am not a middle aged housewife) more than just about anything else that happens around our house. My friends and I meet regularly to sit around on a random Thursday evening, even though it would be so much easier to stay home and watch Netflix in PJ’s because those moments bring us meaning and strengthen our bond. Conversely, my husband and I put the kids to bed and watch Netflix in our PJ’s and share a binge of TV shows which has meaning and strengthens our bond. I’m not looking for life-altering meaning-I am looking for what makes me want to get out of bed today and do it all again.

I have yet to determine the philosophical answer to the question of what it all means but I am doing my best to live a life of significance-perhaps not to but a handful of people in the world but that’s okay. This world is full of people trying and dying to be famous for anything and nothing; I don’t need to be important to people I don’t know but I want to be imperative to those I do know and love. For those who find what they are seeking through religion, I respect that. I hope others respect my non-religious practice of looking for my own meaning. Now I am off to go make today a meaningful day.

The Real D